Contacts
by Tweek Tweekers
Summary: Craig makes up some interesting names for every one of his contacts, a special name too. Ruby asks who each name is and why they're named that. INCLUDES CREEK But it's a conversation between Craig and his little sister.


_"Hey isn't this the Canadian boy your always talking about?"_

_"Craig, get off the phone!" shouted Ruby harshly._

_Ike chuckled, "Your always talking about me?"_

_"Yeah she wants your dick, dude." he paused and flipped off the phone, no one could see but it was Craig's habit, "Then again if you ever stick your floppy dick in her I'll stab you in your beady eyes and twist your penis into the shape of the maple leaf." he smirked to himself, "Understand."_

_"O-okay, whatever you say Craig."_

_"CRAIG!" she shouted, "I'm just friends with him!"_

_"Sure that's why you always write about him in your diary and mutter his name while you dream, unless that's another Ike." he chuckled dryly, "Then the kid may have some competition."_

"You asshole!" shouted Ruby angrily as she stormed out of her bedroom and into her older brother's. He was sitting with a smug expression, laying across his bed with his hands behind his head as if he didn't do anything wrong. He shrugged and gave her a confused expression before flipping her off. In response she flipped him off, "You're a douche bag!"

"Tell me something I don't already know." he spat back with no emotion. She hated when he put no effort into a fight, well it may not be a fight but she wanted to make it one. She wanted to go over to him and slap him across the face and knock off all the obnoxious expressions he was giving her but he wasn't displaying any, so yeah…

"Seriously, Craig! I can't believe you embarrassed me like that!" she growled and pouted for a moment. Her brother had just ruined her new relationship with one of the cutest boys in the grade. She was simply talking on the phone casually with Ike Broflovski, one of the hottest kids in the fifth grade but then her brother had to interfere with her call! It's not her fault she didn't have a cell phone…

"So what it's just Broflovski's little brother, he ain't that cool." Craig rolled his eyes in annoyance, "Plus it's an older brother's job to watch out for his little sister." he smirked, "You should be thanking me."

Mentally she was screaming, her anger was a tornado ready to tear apart Craig's face, she wanted to destroy him. Yes maybe it was pre-teen hormones going crazy in her and maybe she was being extremely over dramatic but she really didn't care. She was going to make him pay! Within a second she started to throw everything around. She was tossing fragile objects around and searching her brother's entire room. For what? Some blackmail. Some evidence that Craig is a loser, something she can hold against him.

Though once she started to have her extremely annoying meltdown Craig just sat there. He watched until she stopped and grinned, "How would you like it if I went through your conversations, on your phone?" she held his cell phone with a smirk and flipped it open.

Craig still didn't move, "You won't find anything on there. No pictures, no text messages, no previous phone calls, no voicemails, nothing."

She searched every section on the phone and growled. She opened his contacts and cocked a brow, "Well what about your contacts?"

"What about them?" he asked uninterested.

"They aren't even names? They're insults, I guess…" she read through the list

"You know all my friends suck, so I gave them more fitting names." he shrugged.

She finished reading through the list and grinned at the last name, "So, if I say one of the contacts can you tell me who it is and why you gave them that name?"

"Sure." he answered, he didn't care, he hated everyone and would tell them straight to their faces.

"Asshole?" she read aloud and looked up at him.

"That black asshole Token." he scoffed, "Racist? Maybe. True? Yes. He is a fucking asshole that always rubs his new fancy shit in our faces. We're in a hick town we can't afford that stuff, therefore he makes us feel stupid and poor. Plus, he always thinks he's right about everything!"

She nodded and continued onto the next, "Ass-master?"

She was surprised to hear her brother chuckle, "Damien." he shrugged, "Well he's the son of the devil and he likes to curse people. So he legit uses this curse that repeats the word 'ass-master', so I just thought it fit." he paused, "Plus he's Pip's ass-master."

She gagged in response, "Cocksucker." she paused, "Ew."

"Not legit. He might be gay but I don't know. I just put it there because he always calls god a cocksuck, so again, I thought if fit." he shrugged, "Oh it's Christophe that fucking chimney boy."

"Cunt." She threw him a glare, "I hate that word.""Well Wendy is one." he spat back, "If she doesn't get what she wants she acts like a little bitch and complains and pouts. She acts like a stupid little immature cunt."

"Dick-hole." she chuckled and sat beside Craig.

He shrugged, "I really couldn't think of anything better for Jimmy. I would put sped or retard but I felt kind of mean."

"So dick-hole is a step up from mean?"

"Yeah it's more along the sides of rude than mean." he nodded in agreement with himself.

She rolled her eyes and scanned the phone, "I'm guessing Dumb-fuck is Clyde."

"Exactly."

"That was no surprise. Clyde is really really dumb, so yeah, I guess I understand that nickname." she giggled and went to the next name, "Faggot?"

"Butters. The little blonde boy." she nodded, "Yeah well he loves hello kitty, kisses boys and admits to being bi-curious. He is gay, therefore he is a faggot."

"Oh cruel words, homophobe." she giggled again and he raised a brow curious to know what she was getting at.

"Fat Bastard."

"Cartman." they both said in unison.

He nodded, "He's fat and his dad left him, thus he is a bastard child."

"Jew-Bitch?" she nodded, "Kyle because he's Jewish and a bitch."

He nodded, "Yup."

"Man-whore, Kenny because he sleeps with everyone in town." she said again.

He nodded and repeated himself, "Yup."

"Pussy?"

"Stan because he acts like a hormonal teen girl." he rolled his eyes, "He bitches about everything when no one gives a fuck."

"Slut?"

"Bebe Stevens. She's just a girl version of Kenny."

Ruby rolled her eyes, "That's so demeaning. She must have no respect for herself."

"Got that right."

"Twat?"

"You know that means vagina but I think it's British and that's what Pip is." he chuckled dryly, "A British vagina."

"Noooooooowwwww," she started tauntingly, "My personal favorite-" she paused for effect and to irritate her brother, which worked considering his forehead creased and he glared at her in annoyance, "_Tweekers._" she rolled it off her tongue, "With a heart."

Craig's face went blank and instantly turned beat red, "Uh-"

"Well I guess that explains it perfectly. Mr. Macho has a crush on Tweek." she giggled, "You can't even put your love into words!"

"I-" he stopped and growled, "I hate you."

"But you love Tweek!"

He flipped her off and she giggled, "I guess your not even going to deny it!"

She skipped out of the room knowing she had some serious dirt on her gay brother AND knowing he would never interfere with her personal conversations again.


End file.
